Hung Up

The reason I haven’t posted in a while is that I am currently hung up on a few questions and emotions.

But there is a reason I made this blog and labelled a section as ‘Thoughts’ so I might as well use it.

Death hangs over me every day. It hangs over everyone, to be fair, but recently I have been acutely aware of the sword swinging above my head. Questions about how long I’m going to live and how to extend that, what to eat, what to drink, how much exercise, how to sharpen my mind etc. all of these have plagued me.

But the most consuming question involves those I love.

My parents are old; not ridiculously old but about retirement age. My thoughts swirl around them constantly. How can I be a good son? How can I make the next twenty (hopefully) years of their lives the best that I can?

And no matter what I do. No matter what anyone does.

People die.

Every single person dies.

I get to this point and I usually shift my focus away; often subconsciously and a few minutes later I’ll come back to myself having moved so far left field that the questions I was asking seem nebulous and unimportant.

Of course they are not; they are vital but how can I answer them? How can I even come close to answering them?

I can’t. Maybe someone can one day and maybe someone will but it won’t be me. I don’t have the capacity to do that and sometimes that’s okay.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night thinking about the people I will lose and my own inevitable demise.

But when I do wake up in the morning do I do anything differently? Do I quit my job and go travelling? Do I say ‘fuck it’ and walk into the wilderness?

No. I wake up and I shower and clean my teeth and go to work.

Every week day.

2703 weeks left.*

I’d better do something with them.

*If I live until 80.

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